I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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