i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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