did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
