I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
this boner is exhausting
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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