I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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