The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
this is an emotional support booty call
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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