so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
