Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
