My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
