dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
