if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
