We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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