OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
