she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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