just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
