I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
