Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize