I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
