Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
