i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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