If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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