did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
