Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
