the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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