my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
