In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
