She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
