I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
