When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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