Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
