It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
