Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
