We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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