Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
