and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
