Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Randomize
