I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize