I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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