I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
