Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
