I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
