There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
