take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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