The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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