After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
