I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
