Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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