I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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