i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
