I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
