the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
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