Soap is not a condiment
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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