Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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