Cold hands, warm shart.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
