he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
