My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
