who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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