dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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