Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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