there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
