i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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