like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
