in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you have to choose: penises or morals?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
