i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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