That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize