she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
